This is Me – with Attachment Issues

May 23, 2022

Attachment and Adoption

Hi, I am, Fiona 56, I am married with one daughter and one stepson. I am adopted. I am an author and designer. I use the word designer loosely but I have designed stuff so I am eligible to use it.

Smashed plate on floor

The smashed plate is a symbol of my shattered heart as an adoptee. Being adopted gives us specific unwanted access to adoption issues. Do I want to have attachment issues? No, not really. Do I want to have rejection issues? No, not really. But I battle with both constantly. Adopted at around 8 months old after having been in hospital for 5 weeks with the stamp of Unfit For Adoption on my file, off I went to my Bio Aunt as a foster placement. That didn’t work out. It was then back to the hospital as I was unwell again. Placed finally in a foster home till I was matched with my family. And people wonder why I have issues! My family was great I was in the middle of two of their own children, not ideal I hear the experts whisper. Although my family was amazing unfortunately I wasn’t, they had been matched with their worst nightmare. I lashed out in all sorts of ways not knowing I was suffering from Adoption issues. My family were not aware of the types of issues I was facing either as it was the 70s and we lived in a very small village in Scotland.

Girl running away

Trauma, Grief and Rejection caused me to run from people, especially nice people. I struggled to make attachments and keep them. In my life, I can’t remember ever having groups of friends that all hung out together, got their nails done etc. I was always on my own or with one other significant person till I made a mess of the relationship by being afraid they were relying on me and I wasn’t a able to be that stable. Sabotage was my middle name all the way through my teens and twenties.

At 29 I became a Christian and did my best to sabotage that too! I thank God for good people, strong, stable people who persevered and could see what God saw, a hurting, frightened, traumatised soul. Now, not just with the adoption trauma which I was unaware of till recently but all the trauma of the horrific situations I had managed to get myself into. Drug addiction, prostitution, violence and on it went, bouncing from one bad set of circumstances to the next. Scotland, England, Ireland and Holland. I was always going somewhere, in those early years not able to settle. Thankfully I am settled these days. All those years of roaming around trying to find my place. I have found my place now. I have learned to work through my stuff. Certainly not perfect but desperately want to reach out to other adoptees. Check out my book No Darkness Too Deep if you want to hear all the gory details.

A Certain Sadness with Attachment Issues.

I struggle with loneliness, many of my friends that kindly read this blog will be saying no way! But I’m afraid it is true. I love my family dearly, and I love my friends dearly, but that niggling lonely feeling always tries to creep in and ruin my day. I overcome that by reaching out and sending messages of encouragement to people. I find that when I do that it takes my mind off myself for a bit and helps me to move on and enjoy the replies. Until that one person doesn’t reply to my nice message and the dripping tap of rejection starts its drip drip drip.

Is it because I am adopted?

This might sound trivial to you but to me, it’s something I feel quite keenly. Is that because I am adopted or is it just me? Feel free to comment especially if it is not just me.

Trauma, grief and rejection are three very difficult things to overcome and when you have all three and more, do I stand a chance of ever being normal? I encourage myself with words that my Mum said once about normal – ” It’s just a setting on the washing machine” Obviously it was many years ago, now there are loads of settings on the washing machine and none of them are normal.

I welcome any comments so Get in Touch with Me. Leave a comment to let me know how you liked this or even to let me know how to get better at the blogging thing.