Hi, there I am Fiona I’m an adoptee. I was adopted at 8 months old after being in two different foster placements and 2 hospital stays. I have my great-niece from the family I was adopted out of on a Special Guardianship Order. Unusual I know but it’s working well.
On a scale of 1-10, where is your self-esteem?
Did you know that your self-esteem is on a permanent sliding scale? It goes up and down at will. It mostly depends on what’s going on with you at the time. As an adoptee, I believe in my circumstances my self-esteem started life on a minus. My biological Mum told the hospital straight away that she was not keeping me. I spent the first five weeks of my life in hospital on my own. I can only imagine that there were a few different nurses, and other staff that met my immediate needs. Possibly even one or two that went the extra mile and held me, smiled at me and helped to soothe me.
Next, it was off to live with an auntie who tried her best but was simply unable to look after me, I was handed back into the hospital. It sounds so sad when I write it down. (sorry) sliding down the self-esteem scale again. Another five weeks spent in the hospital on my own. Then after six months with a suitable foster family, I toddled off to my adoptive family. I arrived there so far down the self-esteem scale it’s unreal. Their job now is to try and draw me back up that scale that they know nothing about.
I had an older brother already established in his place with his Mum and Dad, shortly after my arrival my younger sister arrived also as their biological child. We had a great childhood, lots of family visits, grandparents, aunties and uncles etc. We were all well cared for and loved.
Unfortunately for me, my self-esteem continued on its downward trajectory. I struggled at school, concentrating was hard, emotionally I struggled at school, I did not like being at school and my behaviour let everyone know. You can check out my friends’ blog for a bit more information. Mostly due to my insecurities and strange feelings of nobody likes me, but I don’t know why, I spent a lot of my school time on my own or fighting with other pupils. Continually being lectured at home with phrases like “We just don’t know why you are behaving like this” “What’s wrong with you” and “You have everything you want and more, so why are you so destructive”? Obviously, I could not answer any of those questions as I had no idea why I behaved the way I did, it felt to me that it was impulsive and uncontrollable. I’m now very aware that it was a combination of Adoption Trauma and possibly ADHD.Autism,
Leaving school with my ‘O’-level results stuck up on the kitchen door for everyone to laugh at was another going down moment. I wasn’t stupid, I am quite clever, but my grades were all D’s and E’s I think I remember a C minus for English. My brother had already left school with fantastic results and A levels too. My sister also proved to be a model student! My place as the dunce of the house was cemented. School was not my happy place. Even if I had wanted to stay on and try to redeem myself, it was a firm no from the school. Without a backward glance off I went to start work. That’s what you did in the olden days.
Work proved to be a difficulty as I just did not know how to stay safe or out of trouble. Lurching from one disaster to the next. From the lowest position in hotels to ‘Mothers Helps’ My self-esteem continued to head downwards. Add to that getting into abusive relationships, being beaten half to death, two failed marriages, both ending with my partner taking off with another woman. Moving into (eventually) a better place in life, I still struggled with esteem issues throughout my thirties and forties, although not always heading downwards, it never really went up. My adoptee issues always played havoc with whatever group I was in, whatever workplace I was in too.
Having my daughter stopped me in my tracks at fifty. I knew I didn’t want her to ever feel as I did. How do I do that?
A bit of personal development. I looked closely at my adoption issues. I had counselling and grief counselling. I wrote three books containing my life experiences. The third one was all about Adoption Trauma. You can buy the book here – https://amzn.eu/d/6rSefLp
I worked hard on building up my self-esteem, building up how I thought about myself, and stopping the negative Nellie thoughts from constantly reminding me of how unworthy I was. Stopped looking at others thinking all was well on their sunny side of the road. Realising that no one really lives on the sunny side of the road we all have issues and stuff going on that brings the clouds in at times. In my mid-fifties, I was feeling very much better about myself. Working hard has paid off, putting into practice the advice from the counselling, doing daily exercises in shutting down neggy Nellie, joining adoptee groups, and resonating with other adoptees. Joining inspiring safe space groups. I started my adoptee-only group. This year I aim to build that up a bit.
Moving forward has been life-changing for me. The things I have achieved may seem minuscule to the majority but to me and where I have been they are massive. This year will be even better as I continue to work on me. Last year my new book Lift Your Self-Esteem came out. You can get that here https://amzn.eu/d/gwTgk77
Life is life with its clouds and sunshine, I see a whole lot more sunshine these days. I’m growing my patch as a sole trader. I sell vintage jewellery on eBay just look for Georgies Vintage Stuff. I have resurrected my blog (this one) So please share wherever you can. My course Lift Your Self-Esteem is available now. It is short, easy to listen to and reasonably priced at £49. I aim to help adoptees, addicts, and those who have hit ground zero at some point and are trying to get up. When I was looking for courses and things to help me, there were plenty out there but in the £999 bracket and above. Completely unattainable on Universal Credit, also very hard to follow through on feeling as low as I did. Protecting my self-esteem levels is important to me. I tend not to put myself in a position of causing a downward spiral on my esteem slider scale.
You can invest in the course here – https://fionamyles.com/lift-your-self-esteem-course
Thank you for reading my blogging journey so far. See you next time. The aim is to do monthly updates possibly more. Not going to overpromise.