Hi, there I am Fiona I’m an adoptee. I was adopted at 8 months old after being in two different foster placements and 2 hospital stays. I have my great-niece from the family I was adopted out of on a Special Guardianship Order. Unusual I know but it’s working well.

Valiant and Determined

Brave

The definition of brave – is ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
Words like brave are fearless – showing a lack of fear.
Valiant – possessing or showing courage or determination.
Do I think that I am brave? In one word – NO!
Do other people think that I am brave, in one word – YES, how interesting is that then?
I like to use the word valiant because I’m certainly not fearless. I don’t think that many of us humans are fearless. Valiant as it says is possessing or showing courage OR determination. I am definitely determined.

I have been in a difficult set of circumstances recently which happened to take up all of my focus. My blog and my Sunday night Lives had to take a back seat. I wasn’t able to concentrate on writing either. For me, this meant in my mind that I was letting people down, that I had failed at my task, which brought further feelings and emotional turbulence. Restarting has been very hard. I had made a promise/statement to do a blog every week and a live every week too. This kind of commitment is not too hard to meet – if……. Your life is chugging along at a fairly normal level of ease, but when things change in a big way affecting everyone and everything in one of the most important areas of your life then, wham!! Brick wall moment as I skidded into a serious tailspin.

As I lay there languishing in my emotional turbulence, trying but failing to write anything coherent. All I felt was those ever-vigilant feelings of Oh no, now everyone will really not like me. I have let everyone down, thoughts like that came smashing into my head. One after the other I caught them and removed them, but they just kept coming a ferocious unending assault in my mind. My mind began to hurt, so I had to close it down for self – preservation which is another one of my unwanted traits linking back to my adoption time.

I was feeling exhausted, weary to the bone. I managed a few limp emails/messages to people to explain where I was at. Kindness began to appear in replies which made me weepy emotionally. I really struggle with people being nice to me. Adoption feelings are so weird. My daughter is the same when she is complimented she goes all weird and has to walk away. If we are overly complimentary she will tell us to stop saying whatever we have been saying.

As an adoptee, I have struggled with my own value. How I see my own value goes up and down like the stock market. My aim is to get to a place where I know my own value is pure gold no matter whether I’m treated like dirt. It is difficult to maintain balance when the folks around you just do not get where you are at and why. Trauma does very strange things to people and not always in the same way.

I could hear that still small voice within me quietly whispering “get up”, I whispered back “ I really don’t want to everybody hates me now”, but in the end, I did get up. Yes, I have been slam dunked, knocked for six and almost counted out. You know what though, I know I have a mission to help other adoptees and adopters as they/we navigate our unchosen and chosen states. I didn’t choose to be adopted but I did choose to adopt. I really want my daughter to be able to manage her feelings a whole lot better than I did. So I soldier on. I remain valiant and aim for brave. I will never be fearless as feeling fear and doing it anyway is something that makes more sense to me.

I don’t get a lot of support, because I don’t really ask for support. I’m not an emotional person that can phone, text, scream and cry to get the time and support I need. But those that truly know me, care for me and love me, they are the ones who know that when I go off-grid, quiet, out of touch, they call, they come round, they send encouragement.

So going forward in a wiser way taking into account what may or may not happen. My blog will be when I write one which I will aim to stay on the Monday slot. The live on a Sunday is moving to live on a Monday.

Thank you for reading my blogging journey so far. Next Monday I may or may not write a blog. I probably will be apologising for this one next Monday.