A Very Needy Adoptee. My view of Me.

Jul 25, 2022

Hi, there I am Fiona I’m an adoptee. I was adopted at 8 months old after being in two different foster placements and 2 hospital stays. I have my great-niece from the family I was adopted out of on a Special Guardianship Order. Unusual I know but it’s working well.

Expressing myself as an Adoptee is so difficult.

Expressing myself is the thing I find the most difficult in life. So many hurdles to get over. Ask me a question and I will answer it, but for me to volunteer information, especially in a group setting is a bit of a tricky one for me. I fared slightly better on a one-to-one basis. I have always struggled with feeling and being different. Always trying to fit in with my surroundings, being willing to bend to whatever way the wind was blowing. It is easy to pretend that you don’t need anyone. I have worked hard on myself and reach out for help whether I feel like it or not. Not feeling like it is the norm so the battle rages on……..

As a child, I quickly noticed that I was different to the rest of my family. I want to share this little musing with you from when I was around 9 years old.

Sitting on the couch looking around at my family.
Mum has beautiful big brown eyes.
Dad has sharp piercing blue eyes.
I have squinty hazel-coloured eyes.
Mum’s smile is dazzling and sweet.
Dad’s smile is broad and wide.
My brother has my dads smile, my sister has my Mums smile.
I have squinty teeth to match my squinty eyes.
Does my other family have squinty teeth?
I bring my finger up to touch my mole.
It’s huge right in the middle of my face.
Just sitting there sticking out like a sore thumb.
That’s the mole, not me, or is it both?
Looking around I’m looking for another mole bearer.
Nope, no one else has the dreaded mole.
Did my other family have the dreaded mole?
Leaving the relative safety of the couch I wandered around the room.
Looking for more moles, or even squinty teeth or eyes.
Finding none, I felt a stab of disappointment.
I retreated back to the couch and wondered if it was because I was adopted.
That I looked so different?

I wanted to be the same, I wanted to look like at least one person.
I wanted someone to have squinty teeth or eyes.
Why could I not have nice curly hair like my sister, mine was thick and course.
I wanted to be tall like my brother and cousins but I was just average.
Were my other family all average?
I was different, I was adopted, I wasn’t going to look like anyone in my family.

So here I am feeling pretty rubbish, really starting to notice the stark reality that I am not the same as the rest of the family. How does my mind compute all these thoughts on its own? A nine-year-old brain that has known or understood for the past three years that they are adopted actually doesn’t have the capacity to think this kind of stuff through.

Fionas family graphic at 9

My interpretation of how I viewed myself within my family.

At 9 Years old.  Funny but not funny!



I became very Needy.

The need to fit in to become like those around me was very strong. When with those that were on the wrong side of the tracks I behaved like them and tried to look like them. When I was rarely with those on the right side of the tracks again I felt the need to be like them. In essence, I just failed to have my own identity. So had this great need to be loved and wanted all over the place. Even knowing and appreciating how loved and wanted I was in my adoptive family I still did not have my own identity. Always searching for something that I really didn’t know how to find.

Where did that neediness take me? It took me down roads that I would rather forget.

How do we overcome this stuff without specialist help? In short, we don’t! As a 51-year-old who had just discovered that adoption was an area that I needed healing in I sought out counselling and found that grief counselling worked well for me. Being very aware that every case of adoption is not the same it really isn’t a one-cap fit all type of healing we need.

In my case I found becoming a Christian started my healing process, walking through all the ups and downs of the life that I had led as a teenager and young adult took years of love grace and prayer in my life. It is only in the past 4 years I am looking at healing from God from the emotional turmoil of my adoption.

There are many books out there and papers to read and trust me I have read almost all of them.

I still to this day can feel very needy, I need people to tell me I am a good person. I need people to tell me I am doing well. I need constant reassurance that you still like me.

Thank you for reading my blogging journey so far. Next Monday I will be sharing on Jealousy and how damaging it can be.

I welcome any comments so Get in Touch with Me. Leave a comment to let me know how you liked this or even to let me know how to get better at the blogging thing.